What drew me to [Los Angeles] is that I'm not completely at ease there...
-Sara Bareilles-
Without this photograph, the motionless blown-glass
blue of the Caribbean would ripple off the matte
finish of my fogged up 4x6 framed reminder (depth:
40 feet below, give or take) of the way it felt to hold
my breath, your hand, my fear under
weightless water. What I didn't know:
that the unpredictable stares you baldly
in the face, like the sudden movement
of crabs distinguished from the freckled
smoothness of rock and sand and sea when
you realize quiet, bubbles, breath, now only feel
real in deep waters.
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I don't think it's trying to be too many things. However, some things that might help your feeling that way...
ReplyDelete-My, your, I, you... who is speaking and who else is involved? In line 5 you say "my breath, your hand" which a reader would assume means the speaker is holding the hand of another diver. But then in line 7 you say "stares you baldly" and in 11 "you realize" which sounds like you are speaking to the reader. But this could also mean the person whose hand you were holding. So the pronouns get confusing. My suggestion to revise - maybe address the entire poem to "you". This might mean taking out the "your hand" but I think it would be a little more focused. You could also take out all the "you"s and stick with I and me, but I like the you toward the end. I might be totally on crack here, but I think the pronouns are part of the trying-to-do-too-much problem you see.
-The word "badly" seems odd. My brain wants to read "boldy" instead and then I get all tripped up on it.
-I really like the "blown-glass" description of the water, and the line break at "matte". I also enjoy the "or" in the title, mostly because it's a Karen Maria stylistic thing. :)